Miss Beazus Lives For A Day

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I told someone just how much he meant to me. Not “he was my best friend and he died”; I told her the truth. Six years gone and I’m just now typing “out loud” that if he’d survived the leukemia, I’d more than likely be married, living in Chicago, with my grad degree in Music Business (in retrospect, not the greatest area of study), poor - but in love - and happy. I was going to move there to be with him. I had made my plans. I knew what school I was going to go to, where we would live when he got out of the hospital… he just had to stay alive. But he didn’t. He lost the battle and the war, and my plans died along with him.

It was surreal to see it written out for someone else to read. No one knew. Only me and him. I had been holding onto it like a security blanket for six years. But why? What good does it do me to keep that information locked in my head? The answer: It doesn’t. 

I am so fucking angry and sad that he is gone, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s gone and it doesn’t honor his memory in the slightest to keep my true feelings to myself. I loved him and it’s okay for other people to know I loved him with all my heart. It’s okay to say ‘he was so much more than my best friend’, because he was. And that’s that.

This year, my month from hell has been particularly shitty, because in the middle of it, I had to put Tig to sleep. Ten days after what would have been Gram’s 74th birthday and 16 days before what would have been Rob’s 27th, I said goodbye to my little boy after he threw a clot and it cut off the circulation to his back legs. He was in absolute agony and wouldn’t have recovered, so we did what we had to do, and it fucking sucked. There is no other way of putting it. I was always sympathetic to friends who had lost their animals, but never took it as seriously as I probably should have. Then I lost my own animal and it’s pretty much the worst feeling ever. There is a memorial tattoo being planned in his honor and if you think that’s lame, you can go to hell.

Tomorrow marks the last milestone in this month long roller coaster ride. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate roller coasters? Well, I do.

June 2nd is Gram’s anniversary. I had just started dealing with Rob being gone and then Gram was gone two days later. It’s bullshit. Rob was in Chicago when he passed, so I was getting updates via cell phone and didn’t have to deal with seeing him in a coma and watching him slowly slip away. With Gram I was present for all of it. Nine days. When she first slipped into the coma, I was actually told she died and nearly got into a car accident trying to get to the hospice house. I found out when I got there, she was not gone, but it wouldn’t be long. It was brutal. The whole family came and kept vigil by her bedside. After a couple days of that, I had had enough. I asked for the room, went and sat down quietly next to her bed and whispered my goodbye in her ear. I told her I wouldn’t be back and that it was okay for her to go, because we had everything under control. Only my grandfather and one of the nurses was there when it happened a few days later, and that is how it was supposed to be all along. 

It’s fitting that it’s supposed to rain here tomorrow. It always rains on her anniversary.

Most of the people closest to me came into my life around this time, or after it, so they don’t understand the full weight of how this shaped me as a person. I don’t think a lot of people truly understand me at all, but that’s mostly because I don’t let them. These two people, and now my kitty, meant the world to me. Next to my mother, they were the ones I would run into a burning building for, take a bullet for, do anything for. So when I am quick to cry or I look run down or I just want to be left alone around this time of year, every year, now you know why. Let me be, let it happen. Please don’t ever take it personally and for fuck’s sake don’t try and fix me. Just be my friend. Because knowing that I still have people that love me, that are still alive, keeps me going.

whatshouldwecallme:

I’m like, 

randomlancila:

depechemoses:

stophatingyourbody:

fatvirginsuicide:

Some Fat Facts

redefiningbodyimage:

captainporkerella:

Golda Poretsky, H.H.C. Body Love Coach:

I’ve been fielding lots of comments of the “how can you be promoting fat?!” and “haven’t you heard of type II diabetes?!” variety. So I’ve decided to write this post. I’ve outlined 9 typical statements by commenters, together with an explanation of why each statement is wrong, wrong, wrong.

1) Fat is unhealthy. Fat is not inherently unhealthy. In fact, being underweight, in many ways, is more dangerous than being overweight, obese, or morbidly obese… [more]

2) Fat people all have eating disorders, eat poorly, and don’t exercise. No study has ever supported this conclusion. And let’s just get clear on something… [more]

3) If fat people would eat properly and exercise, they wouldn’t be fat. Contrary to popular opinion, people come in all shapes and sizes… [more]

4) Weight loss is a healthy goal, deserving of promotion. Not true at all. First of all, diets don’t work. They really don’t. The one or two people that you know that lost weight on a diet and kept it off for more than 5 years are statistical freaks… [more]

5) Promoting fat acceptance makes people fat. No studies have ever shown that approving and loving your body causes one to gain weight. In fact, Health At Every Size practices, which include body acceptance, actually make people healthier… [more]

6) There’s an obesity crisis going on and obesity is on the rise. Actually, it’s not… [more]

7) Childhood obesity is a serious problem. Actually, it’s not. Childhood life expectancy continues to rise —- The real danger for fat children is the threat of bullying… [more]

8) BMI is an appropriate and scientific way of determining health… [more]

9) But all of this goes against the conventional wisdom that fat is bad and deadly! Your “conventional wisdom” has been paid for by the diet industry and pharmaceutical companies for decades and decades… [more]

Read it, learn it, educate yourself. Unplug from the lies you’ve been told.

Nice lampshade about not addressing insulin resistance at all, OP.

Maybe I can help with that. Like how insulin resistance happens in people of ALL shapes, sizes, and weights. Oh, and how  75% of obese people never get diabetes. And how insulin resistance tends to cause people to gain weight. Not the other way around.

Yup.